New products for post-apocalyptic living

So... a friend recently brought this to my attention...

Whole Chicken in a Can

Now, I've been known to get the chunked/formed chicken in a can from Aldi now and again, but this is THE MOST DELICIOUS LOOKING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. If I am going to eat something, I would like to know that it has been dead for at least a few months, if not years. But hey, when the apocalypse comes, it's any port in a storm (or any animal in a can).

Ask Adam Before the Swine Flu Apocalypse Kills Us All

I figure it is about time to do another "Ask Adam" posting before the swine flu apocalypse hits and we all turn into pigs like in Willow.

They are racing to murder you.

So, go ahead, post your questions. Everything is fair game, but try to keep it apocalypse related so I can try to keep this blog on track for once.

Examples of good questions would be, "How might the current swine flu pandemic become the zombie apocalypse" or "What is the best way to combat zombie pigs?" Bad questions would be "How do you feel about British singing sensation Susan Boyle" or "what is a good daiquiri recipe?"

Get to it, bitches. My time is precious.

Pigapocalypse!!!

As anyone who has seen any news coverage in the last 24 hours knows, pigs will be the downfall of western civilization. A not-so-subtle metephor for Western greed-driven culture collapsing in on itself, you ask? Nope, it's just

THE PIG FLU!!!

A photo of what is thought to be the initial swine-to-human transmission of the flu.

It came from Mexico City! About 1 bajillion little Mexican flu bugs jumped into a 1980's chevy conversion van (which equates to about one bug per person in said van), and jumped the border into California and Texas. We might actually want to consider Texans' bids for succession, since we can pull an old "injun' bait and switch" and just wait for them all to die of disease and just take the land back.
Looks like it is time to bust out the ol' APOCALYPSE ALERT SYSTEM- PIG EDITIONScientists and other smart folk are still debating as to the pandemic potential of the pig flu (wrong season, virus not mutated far enough, pigs are too cute, etc), but on thing is certain- the human population of earth needs to be culled somehow- if it ain't pigs today, it will be birds or pandas or earthworms tomorrow. We might as well stop staving off the inevitable and get this apocalypse a-rollin.'

You might have noticed I threw famine in there. From the "no fucking shit" files, our over-population is causing massive food and water shortages. Credible scientists figure that by 2030, we will have hit the "Perfect Storm" point for apocalypse, and that is without factoring in the possibility for other catastrophic events! Already, farmers are committing mass suicide in India due to poor crop yields. Combined with the looming economic problems facing the whole friggin' world, we might be on the fast track to TEOTWAWKI (the end of the world as we know it, as aconymed by crazy survivalist nuts). So, don't lick anybody who has been to Mexico City lately, but it is probably too late and we are all gonna die. Don't think piggy flu will get up here? Well, one of my wife's classmates recently died unexpectedly of what was believed to be the flu. My household might already be resistant. So there.

A primer for restarting society after the apocalypse

Jutting out of the Georgia countryside is a massive cluster of obelisks, covered in eight modern languages, and a handful of ancient ones...



The stones say the same thing on all sides in each of the different languages, respectively-

"Maintain humanity under 500,000,000
In perpetual balance with nature

Guide reproduction wisely —
Improving fitness and diversity

Unite humanity with a living
New language

Rule passion — faith — tradition
And all things
With tempered reason

Protect people and nations
With fair laws and just courts

Let all nations rule internally
Resolving external disputes
In a world court

Avoid petty laws and useless
officials

Balance personal rights with
Social duties.

Prize truth — beauty — love —
Seeking harmony with the
Infinite

Be not a cancer on the earth —
Leave room for nature —
Leave room for nature"

It's kind of a Rosetta stone/ post-apocalyptic guide as to how not to fuck it up next time. I like how forlorn the overall tone of it is, as if there is absolutely no hope for humanity in it's current state and our failure and destruction is a forgone conclusion.

Also, it was recently defaced by conspiracy theorists that saw it as a monument to the 'new world order.'

I have some news for you- the biggest secrets are the hardest to keep. Even a secret, underground new world order would need janitors and wait staff, and somebody would eventually slip up and admit that it existed. Sorry, it doesn't.

What does exist, however, is the onslaught of the apocalypse that is going to wipe our slates clean... probably within our lifetimes. If our overpopulating, warlike, disease-ridden asses have proven anything it is that we are real good at killing ourselves off. Get ready for some bullshit.

Getting back to my roots

Arright- sorry for the long delay in posting. I am going to try to get this blog fired up again, and get back to my apocalyptic roots. I'll stay away from my boring political posts, except when they make sense in a pre-apocalyptic sense. So, without further adou...

Clearly a sign of the apocalypse.

It's always the ones you least expect...

I've got my eye on you, Swirly.

A Primer for Pointing Out Fake Internet Shit

As many of you know, I am a storied and unrepentant joykill. I take a special pride in pointing out when something is not what it seems, siphoning all the joy out of it. Anyone who has ever watched a period film (especially a war movie) with me will tell you that I enjoy ruining things by pointing out small faults.

Anyway, the internet is rife with fake things. Whether photo shopped pictures, contrived youtube videos, or fabricated facts, the internet seems to have more misinformation than anything else. So, as a public service, I thought I would share some of my personal tips on pointing out when things are just not right in digital media.

First, the basics-

1.) What seems too good or outrageous to be true usually is. This is the Ockam's Razor approach- the most obvious answer is probably true. Observe the following video-

Funny, right? Well, it is also obvious fake for one glaring reason- who videotapes themselves ironing? The same questions can be asked of most videos of people working or doing normal everyday things. As a general rule, people only videotape the extraordinary- parties, recreation, the bizzare- not things like 'ironing.' Granted, having electricity and hence the ability to iron might be an oddity in whatever third-world country that kid is in, but if he can afford a video camera, ironing should not be excitment on par with waterskiing.

2.) Learn to look for photoshopping. A recent famous example was that of Iran's launching of several strategic missiles. Note- the bottom photo is real.

One of the rockets did not launch, so the Iranians photoshopped one in (poorly). You can see that they just copied and pasted the closer rocket, and then cloned in some extra smoke.

There is actually an avid community of various watchdogs on the internet who keep a look out for photoshopped fakes, and what they find is often amusing. The Photoshop Disasters blog is particularly hilarious.

3.) Watch for bad acting...


Yeah... there is a lot of that going around. Sadly, there are an ass-ton of people out there trying to make viral videos on purpose. Some of them do it for a marketing campaign. Others just do it for... no apparent reason. I guess in an attempt to go 'web famous,' and garner the prestige and riches that accompany such recognition. NPR did a pretty good expose on contrived viral videos that shows just how many people are trying to fake their way to internet stardom. A quick google search will find you a great number of viral video tutorials and production services. Freakin' lame.

The whole thing about a good viral video is that it isn't fake. Things like sateboarding dogs and laughing babies and falling strippers are pretty hard to fake, and they are funny. People pretending to hurt themselves is just stupid. I want to see people break bones and ruin relationships. I want to see people truly humiliated and broken. I want to see pain and blood and feel better about myself because I am not as stupid or unlucky as those people. The Germans call it Schadenfreude. The suffering of others brings self-righteous joy. That is why it is important to weed out the fakes amongst the viral videos- because the fakes make us the stupid ones. So- next time you get one of those stupid emails from a family member or get linked to a viral video, be sure to point out how stupid or fake something is. Everyone on the internet really loves when people do that.

The End of the Universe as We Understand It

So, in the last year, some pretty interesting things have been uncovered about our universe. Scientists and mathemagicians discovered that the universe was expanding much differently than previously thought. They found that there appears to be two unknown forces tugging at the universe from different directions. Plus, now there is this.

NASA Balloon Mission Tunes in to a Cosmic Radio Mystery

Long story short, there exists an incredibly loud, strange radio noise on the outskirts of our known universe.

All of this craziness changing our concept of our universe makes me think back to previous understandings of scientific 'truths.' There have been a series of periods in the history of science where scientists thought they had this whole 'existence' thing figured out, only to be proven horribly wrong. Turns out the sun doesn't revolve around the Earth... hell, it's not even the center of the universe. For a while, we had theories about the universe that now appear to be pretty wrong. It doesn't take much to consider 'holy shit- what the fuck is actually out there?'

Science is gonna fuck around and find a giant eyeball or Cthulhu or some shit out there.

Speeking of Cthulhu and big unrecognizable noises... there was also the bloop.

For more about the bloop and the potential end of days, see the wikipedia entry.

Good times.